Come Full Circle – Miscarriage Poem

You came to us
As an unexpected gift
Secretly and silently
You installed yourself in my womb
Making yourself comfortable
Even if just for a little while

Despite the writings on the wall
I did not notice you were there
Or rather
I was not able to see the obvious
Even though I suspected at times
But it seemed impossible to my mind
And as Goethe already said
“We only see what we know”

When I finally found out about you
It was a rollercoaster of emotions
From total disbelief
Over pure awe before Life’s way
Of making things happen
To profound fear and anxiety
Of another miscarriage
And then just plain joy and love
And honest gratitude
For apparently being ready again
Ready for another soul
Ready to face my fears

Little did I know
That by the time I found out about you
You were probably already dead
Or almost
Just like before
I did not want to check up on you
More than necessary
My take was
That if you were meant to leave us again
You would
And checking on you
Before 12 weeks
Would not change a thing

So I did not
And instead
I tried to simply trust
Trust you to be strong and healthy
Trust my body to offer you a warm and nourishing home
And to know exactly what needs to be done
Trust my worthiness of Love and Happiness
Trust the process of Life
Trust that no matter what
I would be ok
And that no matter what
It would be in my best interest

Of course I felt fear
Lots of fear
Fear of the physical pain
And fear of the emotional pain
Of having to let you go again
I was hyper aware of my physical sensations
Every time
I felt some pinching in my womb
Every time
There was some discharge
Every time
I went to the toilet
And even every time
I sneezed
I would feel a wave of anxiety
And every time
I gently reminded myself again
To trust
To trust that if you came to us
Without us having asked for you
If we found the perfect midwife
To birth you at home
If there were so many signs of a healthy pregnancy
That things would probably turn out fine
And that you wanted to stay
And if not
That this would still be fine
Even if beyond my understanding

I lived from moment to moment
From breath to breath
In the awareness that nothing was certain
Trying to not think too much ahead
Because the mind’s
fearful thoughts about the future
Is where all anxiety originates
It was a constant process
Of losing the present moment
And getting back into it
Meditation applied to real life

This for me
Has been the biggest gift
Of losing the first pregnancy
I could not run from my fears
I was forced to face them
To move right through them
The only choice I had
Was whether to succumb to them
And carry them with me
For the rest of my and your life
Or to let them go
Every single time

When finally
On Valentines Day
At the exact same moment like last time
At 9.5 weeks
And on top
Just a day before
The first pregnancy would have been due
My worst fears became reality

It was hard
To keep the Faith
To not feel punished
By Life
I felt angry
And sad of course
It just did not make sense to me
Why we would have to face that pain again
Why did you have to come
Just to leave again
When we did not even ask
For you to come in the first place
I just could not grasp
The sense
The meaning
Of it all
And even though I know
I do not have to
That this is what trust is about
I am glad that by now
I am able to see
How you have indeed affected our Lives
In ways that would not have happened
Without you
And that might have the potential
To create lasting change
For the better

In fact
As weird as it sounds
It even feels as though through losing you
The first pregnancy has finally

Come Full Circle

As if
One of you
The one we always suspected
But whose existence
We never were able to confirm
Had come back
To claim recognition
And at the same time
To lift the guilt
I had put on myself
That my hormones
Were not to blame
Not now
And probably not then either

So yes
It does make sense
I guess
And even if that way of thinking
Does not resonate with many people
For me it works
And it helps me
To cope
And to keep my Faith
And sanity

I am grateful for you
Even if in the end
I lost you again
I am grateful
That contrary to last time
I was prepared
To the extent that you can be prepared
For such an event
It did not come completely out of the blue
Nor did it pull the ground under my feet
As devastatingly as it did last time
And most importantly
I was able to judge the situation quicker
And able to see you at least once
Before I had to let you go
I was also blessed
That you allowed me
To bury you
Not just symbolically
And thus to finally get over
The regret
Of having flushed down
Your sibling
In the toilet

I am grateful
For much more sensitive doctors
And for the process
To have unfolded
So much smoother and quicker
Than last time
Even though it still was excruciatingly painful
And still got me to my knees
I am grateful for it
To have taken place
In the peace and quiet of my home
As opposed to a hospital
I am grateful
For having been able
To live through it
To express my feelings
To receive love and support

I am grateful for you
Having chosen us as your parents
And my body as your home
Even if just for a short while
For having forced me to face my deepest fears
And to realize
That even if they come true
I get out strong and alive on the other side

Thank you
My child
Will forever
Keep you in our hearts
May you continue your soul’s journey
In exactly the way it is meant to unfold
And who knows
We might eventually
Meet again

And Gratitude

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