The Misinterpreted Mirror Effect
The misinterpretation of the mirror effect is a recurrent observation I have made and in this article I want to give my vision on it and maybe help you clear some confusion around it.
The mirror effect is usually understood as the idea that we are disproportionately irritated or triggered by the words, actions or characteristics in others that we most dislike and judge in ourselves. In other words, whatever behavior the other person displays that irritates us is the one that we need to find and look at in yourself. If we are triggered by someone’s tendency to procrastinate or to complete tasks slowly, we need to look at our own slowness or tendency to procrastinate. If we are triggered by someone’s anger, we need to look at our own disowned anger. If we are triggered by someone not committing to us, we need to look at our own failure to commit.
While, to a certain extent, this way of understanding the mirror effect is true, it is just ONE of MANY possibilities. It is not the full story and it can possibly lead to self-abusive behavior for the following reasons:
- That which the mirror shows us (what we SEE) is (dangerously) merged with what we DO with what we see. We SEE a disowned part and we (automatically) conclude that we need to DO “work” in order to neutralize it in us.
- (Deliberately) staying around or (courageously) seeking out triggers is thus considered “spiritual shadow work”: a way to “work” on and “transcend” our “dark” parts in order to advance on our path towards unconditional love and enlightenment.
Before talking more about this insidious form of spiritual perfectionism, I want to give you an extended understanding of the mirror effect. The mirror effect, the way that I have come to understand it, simply means that, just like a mirror, other people (or situations) reflect something back to us that we cannot see without them. However, it is not necessarily that exact same behavior or trait. So, rather than asking: “What is irritating myself in them?” and then looking for that part in ourselves, we ask: “What is being activated in myself through this person in that present moment?” “What disowned part of me are they bringing up in the here and now?”
It might be the pain of an unhealed wound.
It might be a suppressed emotion.
It might be the pain of an unfulfilled, deep desire.
And yes, it might also be disowned self-judgment (disguised as judgment of them), which would come closest to the usual way of understanding the mirror effect.
The most important function of the mirror is to help us SEE. See things that have already been there, but that we could not see without it. However, what we then choose to DO with what we see is a whole different story. Spiritual shadow work does NOT necessarily mean forcing ourselves to stay around toxic people in order to learn how to be ok around them. It does NOT necessarily mean enduring painful situations in order to transcend them as soon as possible. This is a misunderstanding of the idea that truly enlightened beings can keep their center no matter what. However, the line to self abuse is very thin, because we try to transcend our HUMANNESS instead of integrating it. This is what I call “spiritual perfectionism”. When we sacrifice nervous system balance to achieving some spiritual ambition.
In truth, there is nothing to transcend at all. Spiritual shadow work simply implies SEEING clearly, FEELING fully and ALLOWING everything to be part of us. And from that place of true EQUANIMITY choose the most loving RESPONSE, which can be different depending on each unique situation. If we see and feel that staying with the trigger TRULY puts us into growth zone, we might choose to stay. If we see and feel that staying with the trigger puts us into terror zone, we retrieve. (To read more about the difference between growth zone and terror zone, click here.)
Examples:
When I SEE that an unhealed wound in me is being touched, either by the behavior of someone or by my INTERPRETATION of their behavior, I take my time to fully FEEL the pain, go to its root, separate emotion from story, and then take care of my wound and provide what it needs to heal. That might or might not imply distancing myself from the person or situation that causes me pain. Sometimes, putting up that boundary might be an act of self-love, because continuing to expose myself to the hurtful action, person, words or thought, would be like continuing to punch the open wound. I might eventually get so used to the pain, that I grow numb to it, that I no longer perceive it, that I can tolerate it, but that is not the same as HEALING it. If, on the other hand, the wound is being activated by my own interpretation of their behavior, it might be wiser to stay and fully own my part in it.
When I SEE that around a certain person I feel sad or angry most of the time, that they bring out my pain more than my joy, I, again, take my time to fully FEEL these emotions and to identify any underlying stories, in other words, I take full responsibility for my part of the story AND I might decide that I want to surround myself with people who make it easier for me to access my joy, because that is what I deserve and desire to experience.
When I SEE that an unfulfilled desire is being touched, I take my time to fully FEEL the desire, but again, separate emotion from STORY and projections, so that I do not confuse the desire with the person. From that place of inner clarity and calm, I decide how to proceed.
When I SEE that a judgment is present, I look for that part in me that has acted like that person in the past or is still acting like that person in the present, and make space to fully feel it, forgive it and integrate it.