I don’t want to hurt her

I listened to my burn and I stepped on my path. When it happened on the 18th of November, I deeply tuned into the soul message contained in this rather painful wake-up call and a few days later I set the intention to leave Brussels around the 15th of December, right after the delivery of the holistically grazed meat. And that’s what I did.

On the 17th of December, at 6am in the morning, me and my cat Fannie left Brussels with a one-way ticket to the Alps in the South of France. I am not going to see my family for Christmas. I am ready – and happy – to spend the holidays, including New Year’s Eve and my birthday in January only with myself and my beloved pussy, surrounded by calm, silence, nature and fresh air. I do not know yet where this path will lead me. I do have to come back to Brussels at some point, but I intend it to be only to empty out the apartment.

Interestingly, the bandage around my leg fell off a few times the day before the journey and since then I no longer use one during the day…

The louder the wake-up call, the bigger the necessity to respond.

Small moves might be enough while symptoms are mild. However, where there is chronic or severe disease, symptoms that can only be managed with medication or surgery or – as in my case – accidents, the life change that needs to happen has to be rather radical. If we are honest, we know exactly what this is about. We have been ignoring the call for far too long already. In my case I was getting mad and depressed in what I consider to be a toxic environment for my body and for my soul. Yet my not firm enough “frame”, my not strong enough third chakra, my wound related to the inner and outer Masculine was preventing me from taking the reins of my Life into my own hands and taking the decision to step on my path with confidence and determination.

I made this move now.

Instead of clearing out all the things I do not wish to take with me into the next year and decade, I did the opposite. I consciously selected only what mattered most to me and what I definitely wanted to take with me, leaving behind all the rest. Even though most of what I left behind is “nice to have”, I would not particularly miss anything, should I never come back again.

The main priority for me this time was not a “thing”, but to take my cat, my “pussy”, symbolic for my inner Feminine.

Whenever I would go on prolonged travels in the past, I would leave Fannie in the care of friends, thinking that this would be the best option for her, because less stressful. And that might have been true under those past circumstances. However, this time it was out of question for me to leave her behind. It would have felt like abandoning her and I was not going to abandon my Feminine, my symbolic inner child, ever again.

The thought of the journey put my inner Masculine into terror zone though. Countless times he asked himself if taking her along was REALLY also in her best interest or just his egoistic desire. Would taking her along traumatize her? Would NOT taking her mean that he was abandoning her again and also abandoning himself and his inner truth? Would it maybe even limit both his and her growth? What was the most loving thing to do?

Observing her behavior, he could see how she was getting as mad in their current environment as he was, and how the most important thing for her was to be with him, his presence and affection.

Still, while he saw very clearly what needed to be done for the bigger and long-term good of both of us, he also knew that in order to get there, he would have to put my inner Feminine (in the symbolic AND very real form of my cat) into great discomfort temporarily. And that made him very scared! Like for many men, his biggest fear was to hurt or even traumatize his Feminine! That was the last thing he wanted to do!

So he asked himself: How to make sure to minimize her discomfort? How – within the given circumstances – take maximum care of her needs to prevent her from falling into terror zone? How to prevent UNNECESSARY suffering?

If we are aware of the risk that our actions have the potential to deeply hurt someone, but for the rest simply close our eyes, hope and pray that things will somehow arrange themselves, we are betraying both ourselves and them. It is not enough to be aware or even to acknowledge a fear – we have to ACT upon our awareness, take responsibility and concrete measures… and then still hope and pray for the part that is beyond our control.

Thus, for the first time ever, my inner Masculine planned the journey putting comfort, not money first.

  • It was out of question to separate her from him, so airplane was not an option (also for ecological reasons of course ;)). The fastest option was to go by train (and the last part obligatory by bus or car), even if it was much more expensive than going by bus or car sharing the whole way. And still it would take 13 hours in total…
  • He even booked first class tickets, so we would have a maximum of comfort, space and calm.
  • He invested into a special, extensible cat backpack that would give her a maximum of space once on the train, bus or car, and also make carrying her easier.
  • He foresaw a harness and took an improvised cat toilet, even though it added 1.5 kg to the luggage weight.
  • He ordered and sent high quality cat food to the destination per parcel service, since there were no good options available locally.
  • He had the brilliant idea to send another parcel for myself as to minimize the load of luggage I had to handle on top of the cat (and to add some items just for my “pleasure”, like my favorite lamp and blanket, something he had NEVER done before).
  • Being aware of my own need for fertile food, he placed a big order for storable vegetables, potatoes and grains with a local bio shop.
  • He took a total of 4.5 kg of frozen meat, fish and chicken in the suitcase, which he planned to prepare upon arrival (more on that in another post).

And still… despite all those efforts he was still extremely nervous, especially since there were strikes announced in France. We had to change means of transport three times, including a change of train station in Paris. We absolutely had to catch a bus in Grenoble in the afternoon, since there was no other one that day. For that to happen, our train to Lyon had to be on time, since we only had 20 minutes to change.

The days before departure he practiced putting the harness on Fannie a few times. As to be expected, she was not happy and he had use force, which made him feel almost like a rapist and as such extremely guilty and bad. Still, it had to be done… He told her that even though he would make her uncomfortable, she was safe and he would take maximum care of her and protect her. Every time she quickly recovered trust and came cuddling, which made him feel relieved and grateful.

On travel day, it all started very smooth. Within minutes she was in her backpack and after a few complaining meeouuws on the bus to the station, she did not make any sound again for the rest of the journey. He continued to tell her that yes, it was uncomfortable, but she was safe and she seemed to understand and trust him.

The first stop over in Paris went well, even though it was very chaotic because of the strikes and we ended up having to take two different overcrowded metros instead of just one. When our train to Lyon left on time, he was relieved, feeling that now nothing could go wrong anymore. Except for that our train from Lyon to Grenoble had been canceled without notice. That was a disaster, since the later train we were put on would not arrive on time for us to catch the only bus to our final destination.

Again my inner Masculine was in terror zone, worried about the well-being of his Feminine, contrary to other times very visible in “pussy” form this time. For hours he tried to find a solution, another train, a bus, a blablacar, renting a car… but to no avail. He had to accept that we would not arrive as planned the same evening, but would have to spend a night in a hotel in Grenoble and continue the journey the next day. He was full of rage against the Universe for putting us and especially his Feminine into this “worst case” scenario, when he had so hard tried his best to keep her as comfortable as possible. That was just not fair! We did not deserve that! Were all those obstacles a sign that after all this whole undertaking was NOT a good choice? Or simply another level of testing his willingness to put comfort above money?

And still, despite his doubts and anger, he knew there was no point in blaming himself, because he had fully assumed his responsibility and done all he could. The situation was simply out of his control. So he shifted the focus on what to do next, how to continue minimizing the discomfort for his Feminine under these new circumstances. He picked a hotel close to the station that would accept pets. It all went much smoother than he had feared. Fannie was stressed, but did not seem traumatized. Even though she still refused to use the improvised toilet, she ate and drank a bit and came to cuddle in the night. Even the meat in the suitcase found a safe spot in the hotel’s freezer for the night :).

The next day we were lucky to find a blablacar to take us to our final destination in a much more comfortable way and at a much more comfortable hour than the early morning bus would have. Fannie recovered very quickly from the travel stresses, eating, drinking, using the now “real” toilet, curiously exploring her new temporary home and being as affectionate as usual. It was clear that she had not been traumatized.

My inner Masculine finally relaxed, feeling extremely proud to have succeeded to keep her out of terror zone and happy to simply be here with her together now. When our intentions are loving, when we really try our best to take care, this can and will be felt by the other and they will continue to trust us even throughout discomfort. After just a few days he felt she was ready to explore her new freedoms outside of the house, trusting in her ability to keep herself safe and find her way back home always.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *